The answer
If you continue to have negative thoughts of despair, I strongly advise you to seek professional help from the medical community. Some of your anguish may be resolved by monitored medication by a psychiatrist in addition to counseling sessions. God has placed professionals in the mental and emotional health fields as resources for when someone is overburdened and stressed or has other psychiatric conditions. If you can consult with someone in this capacity and integrate what you are learning from them along with the teachings of the church and the guidance of your spiritual father, then perhaps you may find practical and spiritual solutions and a new happier perspective on life.Although you say you wait for the time when you may sleep and find yourself in the arms of the Lord, yet, you are deeply struggling with watching those around you whom the Lord is calling home. By this, I mean it is not quite so easy to simply just sleep and find that it is all over. Just as there is some suffering when entering into this world as an infant, there is some suffering when one exits this world. Your excessive prevailing negative thoughts can cause you to sin if it is by pride. Do you not think that God knows what is best for you? When He feels that the right time for you has come, it will be all over. Are you indeed ready? Are you living a life of repentance? Each day God adds to your life, He is giving you a gift for another opportunity to repent and so to enter Paradise with Him, when it is over. Life is not a punishment, but God's mercy in helping us to overcome sin and repent with a new and cleansed heart. Everyone has a mission in life. By calling it quits now, you are imposing your will over God's. This is not right. He loves you and has a better plan for you. It does not have to make sense to you right now, but with a faithful heart, commit your will to God's (Psalm 51:10).
Answered by His Eminence Metropolitan Youssef (opens in a new tab)