The answer
It sounds like you are clearly pained by the arguments you are having with your husband. There are three issues that need some attention. The first is to understand that you are both still going through an adjustment period of transitioning into marriage, which could take 3-7 years striving to adjust to the new rules of marriage. Each of you is bringing your own set of "normal" into the marriage based on your own life experiences and expectations. Thus, it is not enough to just have known each other prior to marriage, but now to deal with each other's daily idiosyncrasies, which may not have been as obvious or demanding during your courtship. Arguments can help this process, but you need to set some rules so that your differences can be expressed without judgmental or hurtful comments and be settled with love and respect.The second issue is to understand the formation of patterns which are being created. You are currently setting the stage for your interactions. If this system of escalating communication continues and prevails, over time this will be the only way to communicate, which will pull you apart and be passed on to your children. You may be recognizing that some of the rules and patterns you tried to set before marriage have decreased or ceased all together. This is because one or both of you is trying to slide back to a familiar comfort zone prior to marriage. This does not mean that you do not love and respect each other, but that you may be trying to do new things in an old way, and still have not found a comfortable balance.
The third issue is to understand that marriage is a stressful life event. You may think that is a negative comment, but on the contrary. Achievement is often reached through stress, by overcoming obstacles trying to hold you back, finding opportunities to consider new meanings to spoken and unspoken words, and bringing awareness of unique positive realities, which are often suppressed by our own misconceptions or insecurities. With these points in mind, try to recognize the trigger points that precede hostile conversation, which could include time of day and other details that may seem insignificant.
Before the harsh tones begin to escalate, take a time-out and suggest discussing the matter later or on another day. Make "I" statements about how you feel and what you think rather than accusing, criticizing, or blaming each other. Be willing to make changes in your own behavior if your spouse reveals certain things to be offensive. Keep the promise to end each day without any grudges, but "with all lowliness and gentleness, with long-suffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace" (Ephesians 4:2-3). If you are unable to work through these steps together, speak with your Father Confessors, consult with a Christian therapist, and be determined to make your marriage work happily.
Answered by His Eminence Metropolitan Youssef (opens in a new tab)