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Relationships

Faith Q&A › Metropolitan Youssef › Youth, Dating and Friendship › Relationships

The question

About a year ago, I started talking more with a friend of mine. I met him a few years ago with his family when they came to our city on vacation, and his sister has been one of my best friends for several years. Through our conversations, I have learned a lot about him and I truly feel blessed to have him as part of my life. He is very strong in faith and has helped me grow stronger spiritually. We have become very close friends over the past year.
I told my brother how I felt about him. At first, my brother was supportive and asked me simple questions about his career and his family. He told me to keep it as a friendship and not to set any expectations (for a serious commitment). I told him that I really wanted to tell Mom and Dad because I did not want to hide it from them. My brother told me not to tell them because he didn’t feel that they were ready to hear something like that from me, but told me to talk to my father of confession about it. I went to Abouna and explained to him the situation, and he told me that I should tell Mom and Dad.

I told my parents that I had become good friends with this young man and that I felt very comfortable with him. “We expected you to marry a doctor.” Before my brother met his fiancée, Mom and Dad were encouraging him to try to get to know one of my friends (with the intention of marriage) who is also currently in medical school. So it was as if it was ok for my brother, who is a pharmacist, to marry a doctor, but not ok for me to get to know someone, who is a pharmacist, with the possibility of marriage in the future.

After living on my own for a year, I feel that I have grown more independent. Certainly, I will always need my family, but I don’t think they have realized how much I have grown. I am still treated like a child. Rarely am I ever able to make decisions on my own. When I do make my own decisions, they don’t seem to live up to my family’s expectations. There is always something I have done wrong, or something I could have done better. I have asked them to give me advice about things, but to let me make the final decision and deal with the consequences so that I may learn from my experiences. I understand that they have much more experience than I do, but I find myself doing things simply because they told me to, not because I know why I need to do them (or not do them). I have been talking with Abouna about this issue for a long time. I have also talked to Abouna of my church and a counselor about this in the past. I spoke with the counselor about 3 or 4 years ago. He also spoke with my family, as well as with my parents by themselves. He warned me of many things that would happen to me having been raised in such a protective household. Everything he told me would happen, has happened in these few years.

As for this situation with this young man, I told my parents that I had been talking to him daily and that we read the Bible together daily. They strongly objected to both of these things and told me I needed to stop. I have been actively praying and discussing this situation with Abouna, and he keeps telling me that if it is God’s will, it will work out in the end. He has been also talking with his father of confession. Both fathers of confession are supporting us but I do not know how to approach my parents anymore. Even my doctor has expressed concern with my well being because of how my parents treat me, seeing as I am approaching the age of 24. She knows the family very well and is also Mom’s doctor. She keeps telling me there are serious consequences of being raised this way.

I am asking for Your Grace’s advice in this situation. Am I wrong for continuing to pursue this relationship? I know I need my parent’s blessings but how do I know if this relationship is not what God wants for me? Mom keeps telling me that this relationship is wrong and isn’t from God, but how am I supposed to know that it’s not from God? I would also like to ask for advice regarding dealing with my family. I really want to be able to talk to them like they are my friends, and I know that’s what they want, too; however, when I do try to talk to them I just seem to get yelled at all the time which is the original reason why I didn’t talk to them when I was younger. Also, is my doctor correct from a medical standpoint?

The answer

The three challenges with which you are faced all concern relationships: (1) you and your parents; (2) you and your brother; (3) you and this young man. Although you are an intelligent and independent adult, your parents and brother still see you as a vulnerable young lady and want to protect you out of their love for you. This is not a bad thing, but perhaps, it may be going too far. While one the one hand, you are trying desperately to gain more independence and differentiate yourself from your family, they are opting to keep the family more enmeshed and maintain some kind of control over your decisions, lest you make the wrong choices. In the process, they have overlooked their double-standard --- what is ideal for your brother and his fiancée is not ideal for you and just a pharmacist, not a physician --- same pattern, but different standards. The Wisdom of Sirach, Chapter 38, speaks highly of the God-fearing physicians and pharmacists. Both professions are considered noble. Both professions can earn decent wages to be able to solely support a family without the extra income of a spouse. Perhaps, this young man’s profession is not the real problem. Are your families socially compatible? This is sometimes an over-exaggerated, heavily scrutinized feature in our culture. I do not want to totally dismiss this point because it is important to some degree. There may be other factors about this young man which your family has not yet discussed with you, thus, making his profession not really the key to their refusal, but just a convenient reason. Before you pursue this relationship any further, you ought to work on mending your relationship with your parents and your brother. It is difficult to build a strong relationship upon another severed relationship. If your parents would agree to the prospects of you marrying him, they should be able to do so without resentment as certainly feelings of bitterness on their side as well as on his may permeate an otherwise future harmonious familial relationship and marriage with negativity, if you do not approach this matter prudently and in a manner according to God's will. It is wise that both of you continue to dialogue with your confession fathers regarding these matters and to heed to their advice to continue to pray. In the meantime, work out these issues. A challenge is not a sign of defeat or a task of burden, but an opportunity to grow. The art of communication needs to develop and mature at this juncture between you and your parents, you and your brother, and you and this young man.

Answered by His Eminence Metropolitan Youssef (opens in a new tab)

Related questions

Questions answered by His Eminence Metropolitan Youssef (opens in a new tab) of the Coptic Orthodox Diocese of the Southern United States. Question 1515 on the Diocese’s Q&A site. Questions and answers © Coptic Orthodox Diocese of the Southern United States. All rights reserved.