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Questions & Answers

Mate Selection

Faith Q&A › Metropolitan Youssef › Youth, Dating and Friendship › Mate Selection

The question

One of our priests was in a sermon and he quoted your grace about 3 different kinds of marriages:
  1. Emotional --- this one is based on emotions and usually ends up in failure.

  2. Compatibility --- this one is like our parents or most of them... person A is compatible with person B and their marriage is usually stable.
    3.   
  3. A marriage that is of both emotion and compatibility --- this is the ideal one..It is very clear that the third is the goal.


There is a very good person everyone who everyone can attest to her hard work in service and such. I am seriously attached emotionally to this person and I do think she is compatible. My Confession Father advised me to keep some distance. This is because every time I draw close, she withdraws and vice versa. So I listened, but in the previous weeks she was really drawing close so after talking to my Confession Father, I took permission to start talking again but not as excessively. Now I am in the same loop as before but not as bad, but it is bound to happen again. If I confront her now, even though I am ready, I know she is not because she is 100% school-oriented. Her life is simply school and church, something I admire. I have other friends that are girls and I told my Confession Father of I can not detach myself and I do not want to detach. He told me it is ok to keep going but always keep in mind that it is less than a 50% chance. I keep thinking to confront her and get the no and move on, but this will have serious consequences of awkwardness and cause since we serve together. I try to leave and I can not because I am overwhelmingly emotionally attached. It is very sad how I pursue a person that much and I see the monks and brothers at the monastery pursuing God with that much zeal. Sometimes I wish God can call me to Him as he called those monks and brothers and that's it.

The answer

When you experience discomfort, it is usually a sign. God might be saying to you that this relationship is better if it does not develop into marriage, but remain only as friends. You must always be willing to accept "no" as an option for your request and confidently trust that the "no" might not only be in your best interest, but could actually be a "yes" to other things unknown to you and of more spiritual benefit.

It is very difficult to deal with someone who is moody. You never know if he/she is coming or going or what strange circumstances will make him/her turn on you. Would not you rather spend time with someone who is more clear with his/her expectations so that you can really meet each other's expectations? Therefore, you must also be aware of times when you withdraw. This makes people feel very uncomfortable and less likely to trust getting close to someone of that character.

Some people are devoted students and God gives them spouses that can truly appreciate this character trait in them and allow them to grow together in perfect harmony. Let go of what is hard for you to accept. If this girl has interest in you and you feel that you are emotionally, spiritually, and socially compatible and can connect at this level, then do not fear to propose and approach her. You must risk the "no". On the other hand, she may welcome the idea and accept your proposal.

 

Everyone has a special calling. It is not only for monks. Marriage is a calling as well. May God help you in making the best choice for a blessed bride and guide you on your path of salvation.

Answered by His Eminence Metropolitan Youssef (opens in a new tab)

Related questions

Questions answered by His Eminence Metropolitan Youssef (opens in a new tab) of the Coptic Orthodox Diocese of the Southern United States. Question 1744 on the Diocese’s Q&A site. Questions and answers © Coptic Orthodox Diocese of the Southern United States. All rights reserved.